Goodbye 2015

Normally, I love New Years.  I have always viewed it as a time for new beginnings, a time to make changes to better myself.  I'm just not feeling it this year.

I've been trying to figure out something I could change, but I feel like, while there is plenty for me to better about myself, there isn't anything I want to focus on.  At least not for this year particularly.  I am always trying to do better in one area or another.

When Gretchen Rubin said in her book Happier than Before that she tried to come up with one word that serves as her goal for the new year, it got me thinking.

Is there one word that would capture what I want to change for next year?  I couldn't come up with one word but I came up with a phrase.  'Become My Best Self'.  I guess what I mean by that is to up my game in every aspect of my life.  Give my best effort in every aspect of my life.

My plan is to ask myself if my actions are in line with what I picture for my best self.  If they aren't try and do better, and if they are, give myself a gold star.

What is your New Years Resolution?

2015... Like Any Other Year

As far as I can tell this year has been much like any other.  Some ups and some downs, but mostly just the same as before.  There is comfort in that, things being how they were, how I am used to them being.

I searched for world events or even local events that I thought stood out for this year.  Though I know there were probably many, none of them seem to touch me, so it was difficult to choose any.

• The terrorist attacks in Paris.  My heart goes out to those who lost someone, there were so many.  I wish we could find a way to stop them.  
• Liquid water on Mars.  Kind of interesting, but still not vital to my existence.  
• Microsoft came out with Word 2010 which I actually kind of hate.  I was just getting used to the old one.  Why do they have to change it so often?
• We reached the day that Marty McFly came to in the Back to the Future 2.  Kind of fun to see the few things they got right about the future.  They should have had everyone's eyes glued to their cell phones.  I guess no one could predict we would shut ourselves off from each other so completely.  

I asked my family what the highlight of their year was.  

• Brian said going on a trip to Moab last month.  I have to agree it was a great trip.
• Zach said the fall when all the cool new video games came out.  (Ugh)
• Mason said when he did really well on a math test. (Yeah)

I would have to say the highlight of my year was when I started editing my book and realized it was kind of good.  I have learned so much over the last 8 years of writing, and it shows.  Maybe this is the one.  

I wonder, what was the highlight of your year?

Fake It Til You Make It

According the urban dictionary, yes there is such a thing, the term Fake It Til You Make It  means: faking confidence or happiness until you've reached or attained it; displaying what you want to be until you become it.  

I used to think this was being fake, and some would still argue that.  Another definition from the urban dictionary is: Pretending to be something you are not, in hopes of fitting in, joining a group, or getting a job. ie: depicting wealth by wearing expensive clothes, shoes, handbags or driving fancy cars. Pretentious.

I think it is more about making things how you want them to be than pretending.  If you want to fit in a certain group, or get a particular job, you have to act the part.  But if you are acting the part, who is to say it isn't how you are?

After reading The Secret I started to "fake" like I was a positive person, and only thought about things I wanted to happen, instead of worrying about things that weren't happening.  The funny thing is, those things started happening.  I got a new job making a lot more money which in turned allowed my family to travel more, and do other things we wanted to do.

I wonder if there is something to "faking it" that makes it happen.  If you pretend you have confidence or happiness does that mean you actually do?  I don't know but it seems to be working for me.

The Years Are Short

I just finished a book by Gretchen Rubin called Better than Before.  Though the book was about creating and breaking habits, I gleaned something different from it.

I the book she says one of the rules of adulthood is "The weeks are long, but the years are short".  It is really crazy how true that is.  I spend my entire week just waiting for Friday to come.  Once it gets here, I have so much to do my weekend flies by, and I am back to the grind on Monday.  Most weeks feel like they last forever.

Yet when I look back on the past year, years really, it has flown by.  My mom always says once you turn 21 your life passes before your eyes.  It is so true!  I still feel inside like I am 25  years old, yet my body tells me a much different story.

I know life is a journey and we need to try and live in each moment, but sometimes it is so hard.  The only thing I really want to do is be home with my family, which is reserved for the weekends.  Lately, I've been trying to plan more fun things so living in the moment is easier, but I still find myself wishing my life a way and then wondering where it has gone.

Soon my children will be grown ups and have no time for me, and I will think back on this time and wish I had appreciated it more.  It is a conundrum I have yet to solve.  Let me know if you have any advice, but for now, I will try to do better than I did before.

Living in the Moment

My anxiety holds me back from doing a lot of things.  One of the things that is hardest for me is traveling, but for some reason, I feel the need so I push myself to do it.  To make it bearable I have to be very prepared.

For our trip to Moab this weekend I planned for months.  One of the things that stresses me the most it the cost, so I saved for months, just to make sure I didn't have to worry about it.  I packed everything a few days before so I had some time to remember what I had forgotten, but I still missed a few things.  By the time we were leaving I felt like I had planned for everything.  Except I hadn't.

I brought some games for the drive, mostly trivia games like name five or would you rather, to keep us from going crazy.  We laughed at questions like name five expressions for flatulence, and got grossed out about questions like would you rather eat from a toilet seat or have a nose hair 2 feet long.

I had thought the drive there was the time we had to endure until we got to our destination.  Instead, it turned out to be the best part of my trip.  We were driving down the road, the sun setting, all of us (except Brian of course) singing a long to a song on the radio, and I thought to myself, I am happy. I am in the car with the people I love the most, having a great time.  I wanted that moment to last forever.

 Of course it didn't.  The song ended and the kids asked how much longer, but for the first time in my life I understood what it meant to live in the moment. It was a great experience, one I want to try and repeat.

Of course we saw other great stuff but that was my favorite part.  A part I didn't even plan for.

Give Thanks for Thanksgiving

For as long as I can remember, Thanksgiving has been my least favorite holiday.  I have never really seen the point in it.  Now my dislike of turkey and stuffing are a contributing factor, but it just all seemed like a waste to me.

People spend so much time preparing for this meal.  I mean, a lot of people start making pies a week before.  Then you have to cook a turkey for like 6 hours, not to mention the millions of side dishes.  So it take all morning to cook the food, then we all sit down, eat for maybe 45 minutes, and spend at least a couple of hours cleaning up.  I've never really understood the appeal.

But over the last few years my attitude has changed some.  First of all, this year I get the day after Thanksgiving off, paid, so it is a four day weekend.  Reason enough to celebrate.  But I have also enjoyed reading on Facebook, things people are thankful for.  I realized, I have been missing the point this whole time.  Thanksgiving is about giving thanks.  Duh!  Yes, I feel a little stupid.

So this year I wanted to give thanks for a few things.

1.  I am thankful for this country I live in and the men and women who fight to make free.  I know it isn't perfect, but I am glad I am here.  I love America.

2.  I am thankful for a beautiful family.  I have the best husband, he treats me with respect and love.  And my kids are the best.  I would rather spend time with them than anyone else.

3.  I am thankful for my parents.  I had an ideal childhood, never having to worry about anything.  (Though that didn't stop me.)  They always made me feel loved and supported.

4.  I am thankful for my savior and the life he lived.  I know I live a better life trying to follow his example.  Though mostly I falls short, at least it gives me something to shoot for.

5.  I am thankful for libraries.  I love going into the library and seeing rows and rows of books.  There is nothing better than the sharing of stories, and at the library I can read all of them, for free.

I am glad I finally figured this out so now I can relax and enjoy a great holiday with these guys.

.

PS I am thankful to all the people who read my blog.  Makes me feel special.

Advice to my 18 year old self

Today is my 38th birthday.  Ugh.  How can that be possible?  I've been contemplating my life for the last few weeks, and realized 20 years ago today, I turned 18, and entered in the adult world.  I reflect on what I would change if I could, and decided to do a post about giving advice to my 18 year old self.

1.  Appreciate your beauty.  I think in society to day if we ever feel good about ourselves, we are seen as egotistical, so we are taught to find our fault, and self deprecate.  Conceited or not, I have to say, when I was 18 I looked good.  It was pre-baby, pre-adulthood, and I had a great body and beautiful skin, and I would tell my 18 year old self, enjoy it while it last.  I look at this picture of me and I am instantly tearing it apart, but I find myself wondering how I will feel about it in 20 years. Maybe I should appreciate how young I look now.

2.  Worrying is like praying for things you don't want. I got this quote off Pinterest and it has recently become my motto for life.  I have suffered from anxiety since I was a little kid, and constantly worry about things that might happen.  I notice when you worry about it, it somehow comes to be.   I would like my younger self to understand this, so I could create things I want, instead of worrying about what I don't.

3.  Do things that scare you.  Because of my anxiety I have lived a quiet life and I'm pretty much okay with that.  Except I wish I would have taken the chance to have a few adventures, do things that break me out of my comfort zone.  If I could go back, I would take more chances.

4.  Trust you gut.  I have spent far too much time agonizing over decisions and second guessing everything I do.  As I have gotten older, I have learned that I am wired with self-preservation, so if my gut is telling me something, I should just follow.

5.  Let it go.  I tend to be unforgiving of myself and those around me.  I hang on to things forever!  This is something I am still working on, but am better now than I was before.  In twenty years I hope it is something I have completely adopted into my personality.

I could go on but get bored with long blog posts so I will spare you.  I hope in twenty years I won't have any advice for my younger self because I will have lived how I wanted to.

Critical Friday

I, like most people I know, love Netflix.  In fact, with the exception of football season, my family suspends our TV and watch movies and TV series on Netflix alone.  It was a brilliant move for the company to start putting out their own series, and for the most part, they are crazy good.

Lately, my husband and I stumbled on a series called The Killing.  It is good in a Christmas morning kind of way.  I can't stop thinking about it, and can't wait until I get my next fix.  Unfortunately, my husband is not a binge watcher and refused to watch more than one, sometimes two episodes in a row.  This is good because I haven't finished it yet, and bad because we rarely find the time to watch something together.  Well, other than Utes football games.

The Killing is about a detective you is ready to quit the force but takes this one last case.  She is assigned a new partner who seems like a stupid kid, but actually has some good insight.  It is based on a Danish TV series.

What I love about it is how it slowly unwinds the story, only revealing a piece at a time, forcing you to keep watching to get all the answers.  Just when you think you have it all worked out, they throw in a plot twist, and now everything you knew to be true isn't, or is it?  Fascinating!

Another part that pulls me in is the characters.  The main character, (Side note actress is actually a practicing Mormon) Sarah Linden, is messed up and holding on to custody of her son with a small thread, yet the job keeps dragging her in.

Her partner, Holder, (Actor is actually Danish) seems stupid but pulls bits of wisdom out often enough to make his character believable.  Besides, he is freaking funny.

I don't want to say anymore, so do me a favor, and check it out.  (Image from imdb.com)

Fear of Success

I suffer from a fear of success.  It doesn't make any sense to me, it isn't like I remember having a bad experience with being successful.  Quite the contrary, the times I have been successful, have some of the greatest moments in my life. 


I still remembering wining the Reflections contest when I was in kindergarten.  I wrote a paragraph about how I wanted to be exactly like my teacher Mrs. Fitts, and won.  I attribute that success to my love for writing.  I still have the paper in a box at home. 


I was the first person in my family to graduate from college.  I don't think this says anything about my family.  (My brothers later went to college and did better than I did, both making the Deans list.)  I only think it is significant because it was outside the box of our families norm.  I did something beyond expectation and succeeded graduating with honors. 


Yet when I think about things, such as getting a book published, I am terrified.  Only a month ago, I told my husband I didn't even really want to get a book published.  I told him I had pretty much lost interest in writing at all.  (He reprimanded me and told me to stop being a quitter.)  But when I imagine having a successful book, it makes me break out in a cold sweat.  I am terrified. 


"There is another layer to the fear of success. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that the road to success involves risks such as "getting one's hopes up" - which threatens to lead to disappointment."

Susanne Babbel Ph.D., M.F.T

Dr. Babbel is completely correct.  I am afraid of getting my hopes up, and not only disappointing myself, but everyone around me.  I also am afraid of expectations of me increasing. 

"On some level, it’s more comfortable to stay in a familiar situation, even if it doesn’t feel great on the surface. But achieving success (however you define it) means you are entering uncharted territory. You are putting yourself out there to be scrutinized and criticized, and exposing yourself to new pressures and demands.

It’s only human to wonder whether you’ll be up to the challenge. A small anxious part of you would rather not take the risk." Mark McGuinness(99u.com).

Things are good as they are, why change it?  Maybe, because it could be even better. 

What's For Dinner?

I get that question around 5:00pm everyday, usually as I start to pull the ingredients for dinner out of the refrigerator.  When I offer "Pot roast" or "Shrimp Scampi" it is followed by inevitable groan, and usually a "Gross."


My children are junk food addicts.  They would happily spend their days eating corn chips, soda, premade brownies, frozen pizza, macaroni and cheese, chicken nugget, and hot pockets.
I know, I feel like I am at a meeting where I stand up and say "My name is Andrea, and I am a terrible mother."


I don't know how it got so bad, when I finally gave in and decided I couldn't fight it anymore.  Soda used to be a weekend thing, and chicken nugget were for that rare occasion when we picked up some fast food.  Now those things have permanent residence in my home. 


I do make them eat a good meal once a day for dinner including the much dreaded vegetable, but one serving a day of a vegetable and healthy meat, can't be enough.  I eat vegetables for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with some kind of healthy snack like nuts. 


I have tried the experiment where I don't buy the junk so the only thing to eat is fruit and vegetables and cheese sticks.  I did it for an entire month once...it was the worst month of my life.  My kids were constantly complaining of hunger and in the end proved to be more stubborn than I. 


My only hope lies in the fact that I ate as they did when I was a child.  My lunch in high school was a Coke and a Grandma's pink cookie.  Often I would come home and have another soda and a bag of chips.  To end the night we would usually go out to dinner.  I don't blame my parents.  I was a terribly picky eater and my mom worked full time so making dinner was difficult. 


I don't have the answer and certainly not the strength to fight them.  My advice, start when your kids are very little and never let the junk food take over your life.     

I love Utah

In the past few months we have been considering moving out of the state for because of different opportunities my husband had with his company.  After looking into these other places I realized how much I love the state we live in.  I have been hard on my state, getting irritated at the lack of so called culture.  It frustrated me that we lived in a bubble, almost like the outside world never touched us.  Now that I say it, it sounds stupid, even ridiculous. 


There is so much we have to offer. 






            




This is truly a spectacular place.  Just look at the places we can visit within a four hour drive. 


       


And all the activities we have to offer. 


The culture here is under-rated.  It has been said by many outsiders how clean our city is.  We take pride in what is ours and take care of it. 


The other day I went online to try and volunteer at the Utah Food Bank and they said they have a six month waiting period, for volunteers.  I don't know if it would be like that anywhere else, but I appreciate that it is here.  This is a great place to be. 

No Soda for 30 Days

I have had a life long love affair with soda, I mean next to Brian, it is the love of my life.  I can't remember when I started drinking it, only that it was always around.  Growing up friends would comment on the refrigerator full of a variety of drinks, often with some jealousy. 

I love the bursting sound of a can of Diet Dr. Pepper 10 opening.  Looking at this picture, I can hear the ice cracking and the soda fizzing, as it pours into the glass.  It makes my mouth water being all to familiar with the sensation of the bubbling liquid flowing over my taste buds. Not too mention the burst of energy from the caffeine when it hits my system.  I love this stuff more than anything else. 

There are reasons to give it up though none of the evidence is concrete.  Studies say things like 'It might cause tooth erosion', or 'It could be bad for your bones'.  However, one comment stuck with me, 'It has no nutritional value'.  I think it is pretty obvious when I can't pronounce half the ingredients, it's probably not too good for me. 

So when I decided to do the Whole 30 diet, and soda was on the list of no no's, I decided it was time.  My one a day habit has slowly been creeping up to two and sometimes even more.  I can do this for 30 days because I know it is good for me, but I'm not promising anything beyond that. 

What is your pet bad habit?  Could you give it up for a month?



Critical Friday

Actually I'm critical everyday, but I wanted to critique books or movies I have seen recently on Fridays. 


My son was assigned to read a mystery novel.  Not knowing much about middle grade reading, I went to one of my good friends, Good Reads, and searched for fifth grade mysteries.  I came across the book Holes by Louis Sachar. 


I don't usually read books when I have already seen the movie, it bugs me when I already know the ending, but made an exception because I thought it might keep my son engaged. 


This book is writing at its absolute best.  Started out in the middle of the story making the reader want to keep reading to find out the first.  The characters were engaging making me want to spank them and hug them at the same time.  I particularly like the growth of the main character, Sam, which was portrayed much better in the book.  (Though who doesn't love Shia LeBeouf pre-criminal era.)


Although he complained of the length, a little over 200 pages, my son agreed with me in saying this book deserves the highest rating.  (Haven't worked out the rating system yet.)


So if you get the chance to read this with your kids, take it.  Then you can sit down and watch the movie together and talk about how they are different.  Fun times.

Science Fair (aka homework for parents)

I'm not going to lie, I hate science.  It's my lowest score on any standardized test I have ever taken, and the only class in college I almost failed, was Biology 101.  I'm sure it comes as no surprise as I am a more right brained kind of person, and science is far out of my skill set. 


So at back to school night when my son's teacher says she requires the science fair I let out an audible groan, like loud enough she could hear me.  She apologized and explained it away by saying it was a great learning experience for the kids, and how they were going to do a lot of the work at school.  Seriously, does she actually believe this?


I had to hold myself back from reminding her of her words when my son brought home a two page list of due dates for upcoming assignments associated with the science fair.  The first of which is to come up with a topic.  Let's be realistic, my 10 year old is supposed to come up with a topic on his own?  I don't think so. 


His teacher told him his idea had to be useful, (quickly shooting down my Coke vs. Pepsi blind taste test), and original.  The first science fair was held in 1928, does she actually think there is an experiment fit for a fifth grader that hasn't been done?  


After about 45 minutes on the internet we finally came up with something I haven't heard of before, and is fairly simple, and cheap.  Now, we only have about 20 more assignments to go, before we spend hours on a poster board, that in the end will be done mainly by me. 


I know you are thinking, let him do it himself.  I tried that theory with my older son when he had to do a float for his history class.  I show up to the float parade my heart sinking as I see my son's is the sorriest looking float there.  It was humiliating, and I decided I wouldn't let my kids suffer that way again. 


So I will suffer through this and cross my fingers it is the last science fair project I will ever have to do. 

Why the title?

It feels like I spend so much time wishing things were different, as I am sure most people do.  I get caught up in that cycle of thinking if only this would happen, or I would be happy if that would happen, yet often when the desired outcome is achieved, I feel unfulfilled, even let down. 


Though I am a firm believer in making things happen and not waiting around for life to happen to me, I still think there are times when I need to accept it.  It is what it is, particularly about my past.  I can't grow backwards, so accept it, and move forward. 


I love to write but in the past have been afraid of writing a blog for fear that no one care what I have to say, but realized most people writing a blog, are just people who like to write, and want a place that it will get read. 


This blog is going to be life according to Andrea, so consider yourself warned.  I want to discuss topics that come across my daily life, and how I have succeeded or failed in dealing with them. 


Thanks for reading if you are interested, and not offense if you aren't.