Living in the Moment

My anxiety holds me back from doing a lot of things.  One of the things that is hardest for me is traveling, but for some reason, I feel the need so I push myself to do it.  To make it bearable I have to be very prepared.

For our trip to Moab this weekend I planned for months.  One of the things that stresses me the most it the cost, so I saved for months, just to make sure I didn't have to worry about it.  I packed everything a few days before so I had some time to remember what I had forgotten, but I still missed a few things.  By the time we were leaving I felt like I had planned for everything.  Except I hadn't.

I brought some games for the drive, mostly trivia games like name five or would you rather, to keep us from going crazy.  We laughed at questions like name five expressions for flatulence, and got grossed out about questions like would you rather eat from a toilet seat or have a nose hair 2 feet long.

I had thought the drive there was the time we had to endure until we got to our destination.  Instead, it turned out to be the best part of my trip.  We were driving down the road, the sun setting, all of us (except Brian of course) singing a long to a song on the radio, and I thought to myself, I am happy. I am in the car with the people I love the most, having a great time.  I wanted that moment to last forever.

 Of course it didn't.  The song ended and the kids asked how much longer, but for the first time in my life I understood what it meant to live in the moment. It was a great experience, one I want to try and repeat.

Of course we saw other great stuff but that was my favorite part.  A part I didn't even plan for.

Give Thanks for Thanksgiving

For as long as I can remember, Thanksgiving has been my least favorite holiday.  I have never really seen the point in it.  Now my dislike of turkey and stuffing are a contributing factor, but it just all seemed like a waste to me.

People spend so much time preparing for this meal.  I mean, a lot of people start making pies a week before.  Then you have to cook a turkey for like 6 hours, not to mention the millions of side dishes.  So it take all morning to cook the food, then we all sit down, eat for maybe 45 minutes, and spend at least a couple of hours cleaning up.  I've never really understood the appeal.

But over the last few years my attitude has changed some.  First of all, this year I get the day after Thanksgiving off, paid, so it is a four day weekend.  Reason enough to celebrate.  But I have also enjoyed reading on Facebook, things people are thankful for.  I realized, I have been missing the point this whole time.  Thanksgiving is about giving thanks.  Duh!  Yes, I feel a little stupid.

So this year I wanted to give thanks for a few things.

1.  I am thankful for this country I live in and the men and women who fight to make free.  I know it isn't perfect, but I am glad I am here.  I love America.

2.  I am thankful for a beautiful family.  I have the best husband, he treats me with respect and love.  And my kids are the best.  I would rather spend time with them than anyone else.

3.  I am thankful for my parents.  I had an ideal childhood, never having to worry about anything.  (Though that didn't stop me.)  They always made me feel loved and supported.

4.  I am thankful for my savior and the life he lived.  I know I live a better life trying to follow his example.  Though mostly I falls short, at least it gives me something to shoot for.

5.  I am thankful for libraries.  I love going into the library and seeing rows and rows of books.  There is nothing better than the sharing of stories, and at the library I can read all of them, for free.

I am glad I finally figured this out so now I can relax and enjoy a great holiday with these guys.

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PS I am thankful to all the people who read my blog.  Makes me feel special.

Advice to my 18 year old self

Today is my 38th birthday.  Ugh.  How can that be possible?  I've been contemplating my life for the last few weeks, and realized 20 years ago today, I turned 18, and entered in the adult world.  I reflect on what I would change if I could, and decided to do a post about giving advice to my 18 year old self.

1.  Appreciate your beauty.  I think in society to day if we ever feel good about ourselves, we are seen as egotistical, so we are taught to find our fault, and self deprecate.  Conceited or not, I have to say, when I was 18 I looked good.  It was pre-baby, pre-adulthood, and I had a great body and beautiful skin, and I would tell my 18 year old self, enjoy it while it last.  I look at this picture of me and I am instantly tearing it apart, but I find myself wondering how I will feel about it in 20 years. Maybe I should appreciate how young I look now.

2.  Worrying is like praying for things you don't want. I got this quote off Pinterest and it has recently become my motto for life.  I have suffered from anxiety since I was a little kid, and constantly worry about things that might happen.  I notice when you worry about it, it somehow comes to be.   I would like my younger self to understand this, so I could create things I want, instead of worrying about what I don't.

3.  Do things that scare you.  Because of my anxiety I have lived a quiet life and I'm pretty much okay with that.  Except I wish I would have taken the chance to have a few adventures, do things that break me out of my comfort zone.  If I could go back, I would take more chances.

4.  Trust you gut.  I have spent far too much time agonizing over decisions and second guessing everything I do.  As I have gotten older, I have learned that I am wired with self-preservation, so if my gut is telling me something, I should just follow.

5.  Let it go.  I tend to be unforgiving of myself and those around me.  I hang on to things forever!  This is something I am still working on, but am better now than I was before.  In twenty years I hope it is something I have completely adopted into my personality.

I could go on but get bored with long blog posts so I will spare you.  I hope in twenty years I won't have any advice for my younger self because I will have lived how I wanted to.

Critical Friday

I, like most people I know, love Netflix.  In fact, with the exception of football season, my family suspends our TV and watch movies and TV series on Netflix alone.  It was a brilliant move for the company to start putting out their own series, and for the most part, they are crazy good.

Lately, my husband and I stumbled on a series called The Killing.  It is good in a Christmas morning kind of way.  I can't stop thinking about it, and can't wait until I get my next fix.  Unfortunately, my husband is not a binge watcher and refused to watch more than one, sometimes two episodes in a row.  This is good because I haven't finished it yet, and bad because we rarely find the time to watch something together.  Well, other than Utes football games.

The Killing is about a detective you is ready to quit the force but takes this one last case.  She is assigned a new partner who seems like a stupid kid, but actually has some good insight.  It is based on a Danish TV series.

What I love about it is how it slowly unwinds the story, only revealing a piece at a time, forcing you to keep watching to get all the answers.  Just when you think you have it all worked out, they throw in a plot twist, and now everything you knew to be true isn't, or is it?  Fascinating!

Another part that pulls me in is the characters.  The main character, (Side note actress is actually a practicing Mormon) Sarah Linden, is messed up and holding on to custody of her son with a small thread, yet the job keeps dragging her in.

Her partner, Holder, (Actor is actually Danish) seems stupid but pulls bits of wisdom out often enough to make his character believable.  Besides, he is freaking funny.

I don't want to say anymore, so do me a favor, and check it out.  (Image from imdb.com)

Fear of Success

I suffer from a fear of success.  It doesn't make any sense to me, it isn't like I remember having a bad experience with being successful.  Quite the contrary, the times I have been successful, have some of the greatest moments in my life. 


I still remembering wining the Reflections contest when I was in kindergarten.  I wrote a paragraph about how I wanted to be exactly like my teacher Mrs. Fitts, and won.  I attribute that success to my love for writing.  I still have the paper in a box at home. 


I was the first person in my family to graduate from college.  I don't think this says anything about my family.  (My brothers later went to college and did better than I did, both making the Deans list.)  I only think it is significant because it was outside the box of our families norm.  I did something beyond expectation and succeeded graduating with honors. 


Yet when I think about things, such as getting a book published, I am terrified.  Only a month ago, I told my husband I didn't even really want to get a book published.  I told him I had pretty much lost interest in writing at all.  (He reprimanded me and told me to stop being a quitter.)  But when I imagine having a successful book, it makes me break out in a cold sweat.  I am terrified. 


"There is another layer to the fear of success. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that the road to success involves risks such as "getting one's hopes up" - which threatens to lead to disappointment."

Susanne Babbel Ph.D., M.F.T

Dr. Babbel is completely correct.  I am afraid of getting my hopes up, and not only disappointing myself, but everyone around me.  I also am afraid of expectations of me increasing. 

"On some level, it’s more comfortable to stay in a familiar situation, even if it doesn’t feel great on the surface. But achieving success (however you define it) means you are entering uncharted territory. You are putting yourself out there to be scrutinized and criticized, and exposing yourself to new pressures and demands.

It’s only human to wonder whether you’ll be up to the challenge. A small anxious part of you would rather not take the risk." Mark McGuinness(99u.com).

Things are good as they are, why change it?  Maybe, because it could be even better.